God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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