And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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