I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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