did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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