I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
