the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
