She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
