I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
