my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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