I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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