SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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