they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I could make wine with my vomit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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