my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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