i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
