We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
