I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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