Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
