I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
