I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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