i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
