Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
