It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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