Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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