Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
