I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
