I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
