woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
