dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
