I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
