Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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