If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
