It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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