Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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