i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
