dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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