I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
