you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
