i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
