Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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