I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
