so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
