They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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