So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
