I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
