if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
