i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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