you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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