I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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