I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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