Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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