Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
