We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
