I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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