If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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