I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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