everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
