How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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