I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
