chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Even my vagina gasped.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
