Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
