life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
