May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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